Thursday, May 5, 2011

Reflections from a Mom in Training.

I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mom. In fact, I think I played with dolls a bit past the point where it was cool or accepted by my peers. I loved to dress them up, change diapers, and feed them. It was my favorite thing to play.
I always wanted two little girls, just like my mom, that I could dress up in fancy dresses with lots of bows. It was going to be so fun when I had an actual baby to "play with" and love someday.

Seven years ago on a Tuesday morning I crossed the magical bridge into motherhood. It was actually nothing like I had planned or envisioned. Ryan was born early and with complication. I actually wasn't able to see him or hold him for almost eight hours after he was born. When they finally did bring him to me I can remember thinking, "This is mine?". It wasn't at all a moment like the Hallmark cards I had gotten at my baby shower. I thought, now what? What do I need to do to be a "good mother?"

I guess after seven years and three more children I should have it figured out. I should be a mom that has moved up the ranks into a position of "having it together" or getting it right or at least mostly getting it right. The straight and honest fact is that I still don't have a freaking clue. Don't get me wrong, I can change a diaper with one hand while tap dancing but it really isn't those skills that I ever lose any sleep about.

The hardest part about being a mom, the parts I still struggle with, are the things that change my children. Not like changing a diaper, but change who they are. Remember those points in your childhood where you can look back and say yep, that was a turning point? That was when this became important to me. This is when I decided I wasn't good enough at that and gave up. This is when I realized I was different. This is when the first scar on my heart was made. I can feel them with my kids. Moments I know are spiritual growth markers. Moments I can see and feel changing them, molding them, shaping them. Sometimes you don't even have time to think when those life-changing parenting moments are upon you. Where was that chapter in the mothering handbook? Why didn't I get a magical wand at the baby shower for this day? I feel so unequipped. I don't know the right choice to make, the right words to say. How can I be enough?

I guess there was a moment where God whispered the answer into my ear. I can't remember the exact moment it came over me. I might have been driving in the car or in the shower because God likes to speak to me there. But, in a divine moment God simply said "YOU aren't enough, but I am." I think he may have actually laughed as he said it. This was a mommy revelation. Relief. I didn't have to be the perfect mom because I can't be. It is spiritually impossible for me to be the perfect mother. Grace. My view of myself as mother changed from that moment. I gave up control. I allowed God the space in my parenting to do His work.

It becomes more about prayer than correction. More about investing in soul than investing in coolest mommy and tot class. It means being open to letting God lead even if it doesn't fit your plans or vision for your child. It isn't easy. Part of me so badly wants to be their everything. The first born, natural leader, control freak wants to always being holding on to them tightly and instructing their every move but that will only fail them. God's perfect plan is for us to point our children to him. There is no magic mommy formula. No class or playgroup that will make our mothering any better. God did not call us to be the perfectly-equipped mommy but he was equipping me so that I could be what these children needed. He daily shows me how to love them the way he loves me.

Amazing grace and mercy.
Unconditional love.
Patience and wisdom.

I will always be a mom in training. God will always be using the gift of motherhood as a tool to make me more like him. Motherhood is a gift, my friends. Some days it may not seem like it. Those days when you are covered in baby spit and have about a dozen loads of laundry and you haven't showered this week. Motherhood is an opportunity for God to show us what unconditional love really and truly is. A chance for us on a small scale to experience the love he has for us, his child. I'm praying we all take moments as we are on this journey to thank him for the gift of motherhood and for the blessing of our children.

As the clay is in the potter's hand, so are my children in the hands of the Lord. ~ Jeremiah 18:6

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